Post by ady on Jan 13, 2006 14:54:29 GMT -5
This is the official NHS procedure for a brain transplant. The operation will become available to patients on the 1st of January 2009 but there is already a 4 year waiting list, mainly due to the fact that it can take upto 3 weeks to perform a successful brain transplant due to the lack of planes to Jerusalem.
Step1: Make sure there are approximately 10 deflated balls in the room. Preferably footballs.
Step 2: Each person in the operating theatre (including patient) must burp twice.
Step 3: All pockets must be emptied and checked. Any money must be put into the bandage fund, or “copper jar”. Any notes found can be used to buy Lager.
Step 4: Get a sack and place it under the patients head to catch anything falling to the floor. After the operation the sack must be tied with a big leaf.
Step 5: Cut the head open, but make sure to leave a flap of skin to sew back on after.
Step 6: Wait 4 hours for the brain to dry up a little bit. In the four hours watch any movie containing Adam and Eve. This will provide gods blessings and hopefully make the patient survive.
Step 7: Have a “Robo-cock” vibrator at the ready. Attach it to the patient’s right hand with duck tape.
Step 8: Now that the brains have dried out a little, detach it completely from the body. If the brain is not separated from the body with a rusty knife it can cause the patient to become a “Mad Head” after recovery.
Step 9: Repeat the previous steps on a volunteer called Roary. If there are no volunteers called Roary, Dave will do.
Step 10: Make sure the 2 patients are the same blood type. If they are not it will result in both patients going through puberty again after recovery.
Step 11: Give both patients a snapped ankle. This diverts attention away from Head Aches after the operation.
Step 12: Re-attach all parts and blood vessels to the brain and body. Then put the patients on a plane to Jerusalem. All surgeons must drive to Jerusalem in a Ferrari to a town called Durka Durka.
Step 13: Sew the flaps of skin back on and turn on the “Robo-cock” vibrators and this should kick start their hearts.
Step 14: IF the patients wake up tell them they are called Brian and Davey. Then take them to a room with last Monday’s episode of Coronation Street on.
Step 15: Check the patients for head lice. If they have head lice it is due to the plane journey to Jerusalem. Simply knock the patient out and give them a wedgie. The sudden surprise will shake the head lice out.